Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Important People in Life?

Ever tried to define a criteria for the most important people in life?

If yes... could you list any?

For me it has always been about love, love n' love. Many times I have mentioned to people that even if love is the only thing that makes the world go around, it is also one of the selfish emotions we share. Love lives on the basic foundation of the fact that 'the feeling that we love a person' is making is feel happy. We are in short looking for our happiness everywhere.

Then comes kindness, compassion & care all categorized with a term unconditional.

For me the most important people in life have been those who have been logically kind and unconditionally supportive. The relation or the amount of love they have given me hardly matter. This maybe a lesson that I have learnt from my last life as well my upbringing and understanding of the relations in the world here. And it always made a huge impact on me all my life. Thankfully all that ended up making me feel dependent on all the system for my survival but independent of an individual. That doesn't mean I never expect that to happen. I still search for people who would be enlisted in the list of people I trust, people who have been logically kind to everyone they know and unconditionally supportive for me.

Let me start with some basic factors. I have never hated my parents but could never develop a trustworthy relation with them because I always saw their behavior with me or anyone else they love or respect. My mother has been to moral and ethical while my father has always been involved in his own desires and image. My mother can never hesitate to oppose me if I am wrong and will stand from enemy lines firing at me, no she still loves me. Call it her ideal.... 'Mother India' kinda. This problem always made me understand that when I am wrong, she is not going to cover up my fault and stand with me though she might still stand with me having accepted my mistake and uncovering it to the world. Thats not it! As a child it made me insecure and helped me cope a lot as an adult. I finally realised its all ethics & morals. She is a good person but a bad mother. In my definition, I dont want a mother who treats everyone coming to her like a child like a mother, then whats the use of having a mother of my own? Doesn't make much of a difference, because if my mother is going to stand against me treating my rivals like her own children I feel like a motherless child. Yes there is a motherlike figure with me who still supports me and loves me as a mother. Should I blindly trust this relation just because 'blood is thicker than water?'

My dad, never been a help and never been a problem if ignored. I dont hate him. But I hate him whenever I try to communicate with him. Its not possible. He himself accepts that he doesn't know many things yet he he will feel that he is the best judge of any situation. For me he always remained as my mothers puppet who did what she told. So his support has been entirely based on what stand my mother has taken. So needless to say its all f*****ed up. Otherwise in their general parental duties they have never failed. I don't hate them. I respect them for what I am today even for these experiences they have given me. But that made me more strength to remain detached from the world.

I came across many people otherwise who lent me unconditional support in all forms. Though they would show me my mistakes or argue with me, it will be in personal conversations. There were 2 friends and they still are my friends just have distanced after I married who will still stand by me till death. Because they know me. One more example was my uncle. He never used to put me down in front of public. Never tried to prove anyone else or himself right no matter what the situation. If he had a difference of opinion he used to discuss that one - one. No one else involved. He handled things effeciently and didn't allow me to sulk for silly reasons. The reason I always said he was my last attachment that no longer exists is because I was a child that grew with him with trust, belief and a true experience that proved what he told me "Dont waste your time and energy in fighting for your small demands. IF someone is not favoring you or giving you something even your parents dont worry. Tell me. I'll provide you with that if you prove to me that its essential". His commitment to me expanded from general things like having a milkshake to helping me win my love. He trusted me in and my love... never let me down.

Even in his last days, last moments he died with the belief that I married the girl I love, which I never tried to fight. I wanted to confuse the heavenly system up there with the hellish situations they put him into. Believe me but everything has a link, an attachment, a communication channel with the heavens or higher systems up there that control or govern us. The network is based on things like life and death and many times on evolved people who meditate or can communicate on a higher level. And I believe that my whole life in future will be a bit in a wobbly mode from the sub-governing energies up there. I will have a stronger threshold with the supreme power and myself, giving me more control.. more of LIVING.

Today another experience with my own parents and other important family members over a silly issue rattled me and revoked my past. No matter what you do for parents, no matter what you do for friends... no matter what you do for strangers. Even if you have given up your real life for them, they will still act diplomatic in situations where they see I am being put down and they dont want to be on my side or the other just because they want to be good in both the books.

After a long long time I remembered the most important people in my life and realized the importance of starting that hunt again. I am yet alone.... yet trapped in people who are living with a diplomacy forgetting what I did for them in life... forgetting what I taught them in life... forgetting what is it that makes everyone trust me and my opinions so blindly.

They forgot that I call my people... MY people. I stand by them even when they are wrong, I argue with them privately. They forgot that real unconditional support is of giving up everything you have because it might help someone else get everything they wanted. But time has made me realize. I failed again.

To see that I dont get disillusioned again, thinking that I am in reliable people & being supported by their power, I designed and put a wallpaper on my desktop that says, "F$$K you Nikhil Gangavane. You are a looser... lost again being kind!" This will always remind me that I have to bring back the right supports, right people who I can live with. But this doesn't mean I have lost faith in my kindness and intentions. I will always support people I love, like my uncle did. Keeping real life alive in me and all those who trust me.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Free days are over!

Wow. What a hectic time and it whizzed by so fast!!!

Before wifeyz left for 10 days camp, I had so many plans to just let-go and enjoy life totally but I didn't do anything as planned. Infact the better happened. I have been restructuring... reorganizing myself. My room had been a mess. There wasn't a place to sit or walk except my carpet. Since wifeyz coming tomorrow I just raked up everything and atleast making it appear clean though I have not really cleaned my wardrobe and books cupboard yet.

10 days didn't really go enjoyable as planned. Partied 4 times but it hardly matters. Its just a reason to jam up with friends and let loose. With my PR in flow again, music is getting jiggier and waiting for my new camera which is expected at month end. By the way I hope most of you might have read the article in Pune Mirror which had really stupid mistakes. They dont have the common sense that VishalG cannot be a website domain for a person whose name is Nikhil. not to mention that they didn't print anything about the Shammi Kapoor fanclub and spiritual counseling/healing stuff. All they have printed is Michael JAckson. And even when I had clearly mentioned that I perform MJ but am not an impersonator, they printed the opposite. Next time I will be more specific with the media.

You guys should really watch me now. Great music... great photography both are coming up starting july. Though music stuff will be on sale online and off by year end. I am also gearing up for the proper launch my my music label. Trying to collabrate with some artists. We will soon be launching albums from different genre. I dont know what what my role will be in it apart from a producer. The restructuring also includes restructuring of my company which might rope in a director and setup liasons abroad.

Though july does mark a happening month remember it will have its negative side as well. I can't actually put all that up here, but as I go on posting in here you will understand what I am saying today. Its too much happening of a time. It excites me. Finally feeling that I will really be back living life again. Its been such a dull time lately. I have become very disciplined with my classes routine as well. $$$$ is never enough. Need to pull in a lot this time.

Another thing to come up with SLR is that I will be taking makeup training for my shoots. So that I can make my models look more beautiful. Since SLR will mark the beginning of my glamor shooting, I will be hiring studios quite often or setting up a makeshift one at home on the ground floor. Will taking serious models for TFCD basis or amateurs who just want their porfolios done. IT will mean the same to me. but I am seriously shifting to glamor and concept.

The rains are making my life feel like heaven. This year no asthma, so I can breathe free. I think apart from Rupali's breakfast, drinks are also an added advantage. Though none will agree directly with me to discourage me from drinking, but its a medically proven fact. Strangely, in last 10 days, I didn't drink to enjoy drink but to enjoy friends. I realized that I am happy actually drinking when Rupali is around because I talk a lot with her like we did when we were friends. Yes, I dont say that its all happy talk, we fight too.... but then I talk. But now that all has already been told I wonder what I will talk after a peg?!?!?! With things around the corner waiting to happen and change my life crucially, I wont be surprised if I stop drinking and be like I was 3 years back. But it requires a special entity to be active in my life, which right now is in hibernation mode.

But Finally Waking up!!!!

Monday, June 9, 2008

9.... 7... 5 ..3.. 1.... We've a Liftoff ! 1. 3... 5..... 7....... 9.........

Hi My Friends & Enemies!!

Yes I am back! And you will surely confirm me being myself from the specific greeting for my enemies too. I don't know why it took me so long to accept your requests for starting up the diary on my website again. I remember exactly 10 years ago I started my website and my life was a open book. Later some personal issues especially related to "The Girl I Love" section of the website screwed up things royally for me. But better late than never. After a break of good 8 years I have finally landed up with the bloggers.

I made one decision though. I wouldn't host the diary like I did on my personal website. Things have changed. That time I was alone and with my love. I am still with my love, you wouldn't believe if I said I don't but my professional & personal life has changed on levels. I completed my graduation in computer engineering in 2000 and decided that I wont do any business or job in the field and do music like I wished since childhood. Struggled & strugged, the love story still remains in the same broken state and it got mended on a huge extent but can never reach the dream we wished for. I am married to my wife who is a singer, who knows the story but my commitment and love for my wife is strong. True my inspiration and my love lies unshattered and will always be the primary mission of my soul, it has nothing to do with the relations we define as the best in life. Got married in 2005, my wife is also a singer. We face situations like the movie 'Abhiman' but more complicated and less related to our singing career. Eventually 2005 yearend also marked the start of my photography career. I am a contributor in the microstock Industry and today happen to be No.1 Contributor from India. Check one of my agency links here - http://www.dreamstime.com/resp212561

Eventually, after marriage it has been a rollercoaster ride for me. Not up... not down but lost. I have been going dizzy. I simply can't relate to the formalities. Since childhood I related to no one when it came to formality and hence never had any deep relation with any of my relatives except my grandparents, aunts and my aunts husband. Mom ofcourse was always there, but like I put it, she is not just my mom she is the mom of all that come to her calling her mother. So its a huge void. Remember my uncle who was my idol, like my father, the one who helped me with everything (I had his photo too posted on "My Idols" page), he left us on 22nd April 2008 after a long battle with Hairy Cell Leukemia (Blood Cancer) . With the only strong attachment gone my dizzy ride after marriage ended up throwing me off the rollercoaster... crashing me down on the ground. I got wounded, badly bruised, all alone but not lonely. I feel happy for those wounds because those wounds get me new skin... more durable. I wish mind & heart both had a regenerating skin like this one. :)

Can't post today. I am going on and on like crazy. I was planning to post the blogs related to life or spirituality from another account to avoid confusion with my personal life and sharing people's experiences without mentioning their real names. Give me some time to think on this one. I first have to get my website right, blog more regularly here and then I can decide what to do.

By the way also visit the new sites I have started -

www.clubmj.com - The Official Indian Michael Jackson Fanclub
www.shammikapoor.net - The Official Shammi Kapoor Fanclub

YES GUYS! They are official, don't make me explain here... the sites will. Till my next blog... CHOW! Don't forget to mail me incase you hate to leave publicly visible comments here ;)